11 more days and my 5th month here will be over. There is nothing in front of me, but 6 more months of this. Knowing that I am not even to a halfway point makes me cry inside, outside depending who I am with and where I am. My dreams are now polluted with memories and nightmares. Memories of my childhood, an easier time. A time when the thought of love only existed on the days I dressed up and used fake plastic rings for my marriage to my teddy bear. Memories of warm summer days spent outside in the $2.00 Walmart kiddie pool. Swinging on a swing and running around enjoying the freedom. Memories of even just a few years ago when my friends and I enjoyed the night much more than the day. Weekends spent out all night and sleeping all day. The reel of lies saying I was going to her house and her telling her parents she was coming to mine. Total freedom to go and party as we pleased. Sneaking out at night and running to the edge of the woods into the little driveway of the cemetery where a friend would be waiting for me.
The nightmares that drown out all happiness, leaving me here forever. Nightmares of friends and family dying and me here with no way to get there and killing myself on the inside because I should have been there to spend those last few days with them. Nightmares of being arrested and left to rot in some horrible Chilean dungeon for the rest of my life.
As I was riding the subway to work this morning, I was listening to my ipod and What a Wonderful World came on. As I listened to that song I looked around at everyone on the subway. 5 or six people overloading themselves with makeup, teenagers in their school uniforms staring at themselves in a little pocket mirror. Old ladies dressed up like they are going to a wedding. And me with my jeans and a teeshirt, tennis shoes, and the only makeup mascara. I don't belong here at all. I don't belong in a pollution filled city where material matters more. Never in my life have I seen a place like this where people are constantly buying just to have more and better than someone else. I am satisfied with what I have and I don't need to pile on makeup because that will just cover up who I am. People tell me that Chile is a poor country. If its so poor then why would the students be fighting the government to get their college paid for. What do they care? Most of them aren't even paying for their tuition anyways, their parents are! Shouldn't the parents be the ones out on the streets protesting?? If the students think that education is so important then why aren't they in the classrooms getting educated instead of being on the streets asking for something ridiculous? Everyone wants everything to be free, but in reality things don't work that way. Maybe if they quit spending money to have the newest car, the newest fashion of clothes, and the newest technological things, they would be perfectly fine paying for their education. This generation coming up is so worried about having everything, but they don't want to work for it. And the parents don't help at all by giving the kids whatever they want.
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